Contemplation

by Kaylo X.

Nic Alea, published in the Fall issue of Forum, wanted to readdress an issue briefly mentioned in our interview. Nic casually responded “Hopefully not for committing suicide” to my question “What do you want to be known for?” I appreciated the candid answer and felt it should be brought to the public forum as it is all too often ignored and silenced. We met prior to the release party to discuss the matter. Before the conversation Nic read me the poem “Queer Kids,” which is available to listen to and read here on Boeotia. My reflection of our conversation follows:

Kaylo X.: Do you have friends/people who have committed suicide?

Nic Alea: Yes. Both contemplated and succeeded. More who have contemplated which is intense in of itself.

I’d rather do many things right now besides talk about suicide, which is why I am just typing this (weeks after meeting with Nic for the discussion). But, who really does want to talk about it? Isn’t that the status quo of our society anyway? Don’t talk about it. My family didn’t when my sister attempted. It isn’t a time or memory I want to think about and so I don’t. And we heal and move on. Or do we? I shared with Nic my story of my family surviving my sister’s survival. I find things too dreadful to speak are the ones most imperative to be spoken for everyone’s sake. If it has happened to you, chances are it has happened to someone else. We didn’t talk about it that night, but Nic knows and has helped me with my own struggles with suicidal ideation. Both queer individuals, we are familiar with the “subliminal” message that society teaches us: destroy yourself. Or at least: you are not worthy of a “normal,” happy life because you are less than. The word queer, although I and many claim it as an identity, literally means strange or abnormal…kind of weird. As a kid it was difficult to embrace such an identity for myself because of fear of being alienated, ostracized, or even excommunicated. I am not alone in the sort of fear and anxiety “being in the closet” brings as countless people I have spoken to and stories I have heard speak to the dreadful experience.

Nic’s poem tackles the programmed destruction ever so eloquently. It allows the reader or audience to vividly imagine an act of suicide in real terms. This kind of writing is activism. It raises awareness and addresses that our ideology is controlled by the media which promotes a culture of fear, hostility, and misguided anger—the kind of culture that harbors lynching. In our top down society one is typically forced to choose a place, a role, an identity. If the identity threatens, destabilizes, then it risks being destroyed and what more convenient a way than brainwashed self-destruction.

Nic spoke of children’s malleability and the violence that exists in our language for them to pick up on. Children, without knowing the meaning of their words, say things to each other that they have heard from some media outlet, from their parents, or other people in their environment. A radical organization led by Fred Phelps “preaches” a message of hate and often times with very young children as part of their pickets. The message in three words tells so much more: “God hates fags!” When one little girl was asked if she knew what the words meant that she was shouting along to. Her response: “no.”

Our society is indifferent to suicide. We ignore people when they’re going through depressions. Mental illness isn’t taken seriously. Suicide is often glorified, especially in the case of celebrities. We see famous people reach epic stardom postmortem over and over again. Is the work of celebs who committed suicide (accidentally or not) brilliant because they killed themselves, or would they have found as much success living? It’s a
question Nic asked me at the end of our conversation on the topic. It brings me back to the question I asked Nic in the beginning: “do you know anyone…? Don’t you? Even if just Sylvia Plath and Virginia Woolf, Romeo and Juliet, you’ve heard some tragic story fiction or actual and so it must affect you. Each human life should matter to everyone as we all exist together in this dimension of reality.

I recently heard news that hit me hard as such events do. A young, 22-year-old woman was murdered in the nation’s capitol. I wrote a poem out of the anger washing over me. The poem is called, “How to Say RIP | For Deoni Jones” and can be found here on Boeotia as well.

Kaylo X. is Forum’s poetry editor.