by Elijah Lurie

This past summer, I came across a flyer in the Appleton mall for a discounted trip to Peru. Seeing as I didn’t have much else going on (shout-out to all the recent divorcees out there), I decided to cash in some sick days from work and go for it. Maryanne always said I should be more adventurous, and I figured it was time to venture out of Wisconsin and find new meaning in my life. So, here’s a list of my tips and tricks for visiting Peru, for all the other unseasoned travelers out there 😉

1. Bring a good neck pillow for the plane. I slept like a baby the whole flight there.

2. For those traveling solo, guided tours are a great way to meet people and get to know the local history.

3. A smile goes a long way with the locals, even if your Spanish needs some work (Como say dice…)

4. When you land in Cusco, avoid the salesmen shoving flyers for guided tours in your face. Many of these (e.g. Ayahuasca Bargain Adventures inc.) are poor quality, and you’re better off doing your own research first rather than springing for the first one you see.

5. Once you have your tour booked, spend a few days in Cusco to accommodate and sleep off the jet lag.

a. Bonus tip: chew Coca leaves to help with the altitude. My taxi driver told me this tip, and it worked like a charm!

6. While in Cusco, make sure to take a Salsa Dancing class. Ay yay yay!!! A great way to meet people and take your mind off any troubles at home (e.g. Divorce)

7. If you did happen to book the first flyer you saw (e.g. Ayahuasca Bargain Adventures inc.), check if they provide food, or if you are expected to bring your own.

8. Bring a good book for the bus ride into the jungle (or a Kindle – every ounce of weight in your bag counts!)

9. If you find yourself starting a 2 day tour in the Peruvian jungle without food because you did not realize you were expected to bring your own food, do not buy ceviche from the woman with the cart who is set up where the bus drops you off, in hopes that it will tide you over. This one cannot be overstated.

10. Leaving a 10 percent tip is always a good idea, whether for roadside ceviche or classier spots 🙂

11. When on a Peruvian bargain Ayahuasca jungle tour, it is advisable to first check who is coming on the tour with you, because the moment you step off the bus is an unfortunate time to realize that someone with whom you have unresolved feelings for and/or active legal disputes (e.g. Your ex-wife) had seen the same flyer in Appleton, Wisconsin and booked the same tour as you did upon leaving the Cusco airport.

12. On your mile long hike into the jungle, keep an eye out for the White-throated Toucan. This beautiful bird is elusive, but spectacular!

13. Bring a good pair of hiking boots. My Merrels kept my feet dry and blister free.

14. “Ayahuasca” is not a type of yoga meditation. Do not accept any tea your tour guides may offer you!

15. Settle any outstanding legal disputes you may have (e.g. With your ex-wife) before embarking on your Peru adventure. This is especially true if your ex-wife brings along her receptionist and new boyfriend Salvador, because if she brings up that you have yet to pay your latest installment of alimony you will be too embarrassed to discuss your marital affairs in front of Salvador and the rest of your group so instead you will simmer in your anger and longing and regret which will cause you to have a horrific experience once the hallucinations start.

16. If you plan on visiting the beautiful Amazon region of Peru, make sure to bring a full-body mosquito net!

17. While “tripping” on Ayahuasca, if you feel needles of pain all over your body, stay calm and remember that they are likely just horse flies and mosquitos drinking your blood, not the souls of your ancestors clawing you down to Hell.

18. If you find yourself struggling to understand why your senses are failing you, and why you hear demons screeching at you from the darkening jungle around you as Salvador’s tongue enters your ex-wife’s mouth and your tour guide loudly scrolls through Tik Tok on his phone and roadside ceviche begins to erupt from your bowels, remember to stay calm. The more you want the “trip” to end, the longer it takes.

19. It’s not the heat that gets you, it’s the humidity.

20. If you find yourself in a Peruvian hospital, whether for psychosis, inflamed insect bites, diarrhea, heat exhaustion, or some combination of conditions, ask for the “Hellateena.” It means Jello in the local language!

21. Don’t bring anything of personal value to Peru (e.g. An old wedding ring you hope you might use again), as robberies are common.

a. The airport is a hotspot for theft! Even if you have made it through the majority of your trip without having been robbed, and all you want to do is make it onto the plane and get the hell out of Peru and into a hot shower at home to nurse your insect bites and wait out the lingering effects of a psychedelic nightmare that won’t seem to go away, you are not safe and may still be robbed right as you enter the airport.

b. The souvenir shop in the Cusco airport sells a great replacement neck pillow.

22. Don’t forget to take plenty of pictures throughout your trip to show to the guys at work when you return!

23. And last but certainly not least, have fun!

P.S. Subscribe to my blog, and let me know if your trip to Peru succeeded in filling that hole in yourself that your ex-wife left in their wake!

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